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april 3rd, 2024 - 13:58

cool ass news! i learned that i'm indigenous :] specifically zaza! i know it sounds goofy when you don't know who zazas are because you know the word from memes so i'll tell you ! zaza's are basically people in eastern turkey who traditionally speak the zaza language.
some consider themselves kurds, some consider themselves turkmen, and some consider themselves as a separate ethnicity, like my mom! idk what i'd consider myself rn cuz i just learned about this. i'm gonna research before coming to a full conclusion
i'm proud to be indigenous ♡


january 2nd, 2024 - 00:06

I'M 19 NOW LETS GOOOOO


december 31st, 2023 - 15:38

i'm doing a lot better now, sorry if i scared any of you

i really just went from looking for ropes daily to being okay again... it really shows how indomitable the spirit is.

this year wasn't great for any of us surely. i ended up doing things i'd never do, lost my friends, couldn't get accepted to an university, reset my sober streaks on self harm and nail biting and gave my mom a scare sometimes, argued with my parents, and worst of all our current president is in charge for another 5 years. (he's a conservative dictator)
but i also learned from my mistakes. i apologised for my actions and fixed some of my relationships, promised to do better and never failed to keep my word. i started composing my own music, i made my own animated series just because i wanted to be extra in an rp, i learned and my art improved a lot. i had joy from experiencing stupid moments while playing with my friends, i pet a lot of cats, i ate pizza and chocolate, i watched the sunrise and the sunset. i looked at the birds in the sky and watched them migrate. i got to play amazing games like baldurs gate 3, and i got to listen to some of the best eargasmic amazing fun music i've ever heard.
i may not have been accepted to an university, but i'm only 18, 19 in two days. i have at least 60 more years ahead of me. i already learned so much, and if this momentum continues then i'll surely learn a lot more again and again. in the end, i'll have the wisdom people around my age desperately wants to learn.

i may not have "done a lot", but i lived. i survived. sometimes that's enough.


[ VENT ] december 25th, 2023 - 15:14

merry christmas everyone, i hope your day is going well
i wish i could feel holly jolly n shit but things haven't been going well for me recently. the chaos going around in the world took a huge toll on my mental health and my life has also been spiralling down a little. it feels like i'm slowly getting ready to die

i would normally be excited about new years and my upcoming birthday (january 2nd) but i feel so empty. it feels like i've lived this much for nothing. i've gotten over my bullying and a lot more, but yet i still can't move a finger to change my life. not only that, but keeping up friendships, routines, or just living in general has been feeling like a chore now.
i don't even need a lot to be happy right now. i just want to be known and paid for doing things i like (drawing, making videos, and making music for example) but i feel too stuck to commit to stuff. i would say my executive dysfunction is the cause or at least enables my behaviour, but it feels like i'm blaming other things to push the blame away from me now. i don't know what to do. should i just push myself to do things? but it's really hard for me to "just do it" and all that. is it even possible for me to push myself? if so, how long can i go before i go back to these habits? i'm so lost.
i don't want to rot away. i want to live. i want to do what i like, i want to earn my own money and buy stuff with it. i want to draw. i want to play games. i want to go outside. i want to exercise. i want to live, but also die.


octuber 21st, 2023 - 10:00

i woke up like 30 minutes ago, and i woke up to something i didn't expect to see AT ALL
THEY SAW MY BLOG POST!!! THAT'S RIGHT ?!?!?! how'd i know? two people shot me a message!!! a part of me is HELLA excited, another part of me is confused and unsure about what to do
i'll give myself some time to think :] it's best to do that, i don't wanna ruin this moment and do weird shit. BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO CATCH UP AAAHHHHHJASKJAK JASLSŞJKALSJAJLKJANKUEWUFJBFGJFKJKGJFKGFHHGHGGHGHHGHGHGH


october 16th, 2023 - 06:44

i removed the dni list of my ex-friends, because after 5 months of thinking about them every single day (not exaggerating. ocd + adhd sucks.), i realised that all of this happened because i wasn't thinking rationally at all.

how it all started? i was too hyper to think of a better way to introduce my friends. i could've told my friends to join me on roblox, for example. but i was way too excited, i ended up doing the easiest way to introduce them to just quickly get over it. first time i didn't tell them anything, second time i let them know but i was too impatient from excitement. i ended up making myself look like i didn't care.

when i was kicked out of the server, i had the same mentality but a lot worse because of how overwhelmed i was about that big change. i ended up moving too fast instead of giving myself and them more time to process things. i wanted to apologise as fast as i could so i rushed out every idea i got. i was going insane.

and then it happened, all of it came back to bite my ass. idk if they knew but one of them called me a child for acting like that, which is a trigger word for me (when it's used in an insulting way). they called me racist but i'll take the responsibility for it. i talked about my situation (the turkish refugee crisis) as if i was talking to other turks instead of americans that had no clue about my views or the situation. i still wish they would listen to me instead of cutting contact with me though.

now that i've exhausted all my anger, i can think on improving myself to prove them that i just couldn't explain myself properly all along. but i'm scared of them ngl. i've been getting paranoid about them sometimes. like "did they hex or curse me?" "are they stalking me right now?" they have a shit-talking chat named after me, i know they talk about me there. it used to be called "pepsi-panel" named after someone called pepsi online. they would share their art and talk about the airbrush shading. what if they're doing that to me too? all because i couldn't explain myself?

i can't take it anymore man. i need to make peace with them. idc if they don't wanna be my friend anymore, i wanna be strangers in good terms at least.


august 20th, 2023 - 08:12

yakuza (the game) has always been a special interest but lately the hyperfix has been INTENSE
i can't help it tho, the game is so so fun and silly, it goes from serious crime drama to ... whatever tf goes on in that game 😭
the sidequests / substories are WILD, the minigames are so silly too 😭 we got kareoke, toy car racing, REAL ESTATE MANAGING???? i love this gem of a series


july 3rd, 2023 - 00:06

i just finished watching bullet train with my friends and OH MY GOD /pos
the way everything connected as the movie went on and the fuckin characters UGH I LOVED IT ALL!! and the way the characters were killed off was AMAZING it's one of my fave movies for sure now
if you haven't watched it and can last 2 hours, AND if you like action, watch the damn movie bro it's awesome


june 25th, 2023 - 19:44 / 7:44 PM

so my ex-friends think i'm homophobic now? i stalk their account cuz i can't deal with being hyperfixated on them it's very hard... and i found out that one of them put me in their blacklist and put "racist, homophobic, personal reasons". i was never even racist OR homophobic... i assume that they got into that conclusion cuz i griefed their minecraft realm and put homophobic signs in italian everywhere. i did that just to make them mad but i didn't think they'd be this fuckin stupid???

what should i expect from people that accused me of racism because the arab refugees here support our dictator, be xenophobic to us both in OUR and THEIR country, support shariah law (which commonly prevents women from going to school, let men have 4 wives and have slaves, stone gay people to death etc...), treat our citizenship as something tradeable or marketable, get away with crime only because they're refugees, etc...

my situation is way too complex for people to slap labels like that. it's pretty fucked up itself... i told a short version of the drama to my psychiatrist and he was so flabbergasted at everything 😭 at the fact that *I* was the one that apologised, that *I* was accused of all this and was treated as the bad guy...
yk it's bad when a psychiatrist is fuckin shocked at those actions. karma will get these mfs, i know it. it always does.